Codependence / Adult Child of Alcoholic + Addiction
Codependency and ACOA experiences often, but not always, go hand in hand. There are other experiences with our family of origin that might account for the development of these characteristics, including a caregiver who was mentally/physically ill, instability within the family unit due to the absence of a caregiver (deployments, travel for work, immigration, single parenting), or the death of a caregiver/sibling. The commonality lies in how individuals tend to bend and twist their way of being to suit the situation in which they were raised. Check out the well-publicized “Laundry List” below to see if any of these characteristics ring true for you.
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
In therapy, we will work to establish or re-establish a sense of identity so that you can begin to set boundaries and even say “No” (GASP!!) when you need to without feeling guilt or a risk of abandonment. We will work to create stability and a real sense of connection, as opposed to the false security that comes from trying to be all things to all people at the expense of your own well-being. There will likely also be some attention paid to letting go of obsessive rule-following, perfectionism, and the absolute need to control situations. Let’s find a new way for you to navigate your world with empowerment and agency!